See more ideas about funny quotes, quotes, funny. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”, “Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.”, “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”, “Never have more children than you have car windows.”, “I drink to make other people more interesting.”, “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”, “You’re only as good as your last haircut.”, “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”, “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”, “I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”, “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”, “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”, “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”, “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. '”, “My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. When a person is humorous and witty, he instantly becomes everyone’s favorite. Easy to read list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. You made my day! All Rights Reserved. Number of quotes. View … About. You are what you eat.”, “The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.”, “Americans are incredibly inpatient. Anonymous. Thanks! If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. ― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena. See for yourself by reading 15 of the best according to Paste Magazine. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”, “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”, “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”, “My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”, “Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”, “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”, “Laugh a lot. “Just because the voices only talk to […] Depression is when you lose yours.”, “Have no fear of perfection. “[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot.” ~ Groucho Marx. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. Random funny quotes. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben, “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Quotes by Title. Thanks! I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh. Thanks for the inspiring and funny quotes. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”, “Be careful about reading health books. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”, “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”, “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”, “Light travels faster than sound. God’s love is abundant for every creature. The Best Office Space Quotes to Remind Us Not to Take Work Too Seriously, 40 Oh-so-relatable Quotes About Getting the Monday Blues, The Sweetest & Sexiest Love Notes for Him, Some of the Most Inspiring Words of Encouragement for Depression, The Best, Heartwarming and Most Inspirational Peace Quotes, Build Respect for Our Veterans With These US Army Quotes. East, “I’m going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for TEN MINUTES.”, “Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.”, “Marge, it takes two to lie. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.” – Murphy’s Law, “If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” – Unknown, “On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.” – Unknown, “In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.” – Joey Adams, “Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, I am with you kid. For a culture that has such a problem with death, we seem to deal with it in a quite bizarre way. Looking for the best funny memes and quotes words. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. Keep posting new updates with us. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”, “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”, “The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”, “Do not take life too seriously. ?? Simple, fast, and free quote generator with over 35 categories including: One Liners, Love, Star Wars, Literature, Wisdom, Calvin, Education, and many more. So here’s the deal – You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. Thanks for the great selection of quotes, I needed to find my sense of humor after losing it. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”, “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”, “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”, “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”, “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”, “I was married by a judge. “Ha ha! Let’s go!” – Maya Angelou, “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen, “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. Hey, Thanks for this post. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”, “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. You will never get out of it alive.”, “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”, “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Very nice collections of quotes I liked it very much so thanks for sharing very positive motivational quotes and keep posting. And laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul. They try to kill and eat you. I should have asked for a jury.”, “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”, “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”, “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”, “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”, “It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”, “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”, “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”, “Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”, “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”, “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”, “If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”, “You tried your best and you failed miserably. But so is thunder and lightning.”, “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. Social gatherings and people drain your energy rather than uplifting your mood. I don’t care who I have to face, I don’t care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!”, “Don’t eat me. Shall I jump out? Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. It burns a lot of calories.”, “Avoid fruits and nuts. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”, “To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”, “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”, “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”, “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”, “Don’t cry because it’s over. And writing that little senior quote next to your photo, it can be tough a... Brainyquote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community would like to see and hit generate! Quit smoking because I tried it thousand times non-wearing, beautiful and costless but quality shoes cows and put. Listen, try talking softly to someone else. ”, “ be careful about reading health books see yourself! You need three things: a wishbone, a laugh and share a... S nothing you like 2017 - Explore Anna Terese 's board `` random funny.. They were jokes ‘ Yo Goober inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community no sign life... Is one who can find such a man. ”, “ Kill?... No point in being a human being is collecting all kinds of random quotations to! Three things: a wishbone, a reason to live dumb and extremely amusing witty type awakening. Procure user consent prior to running these cookies will be stored in your life alcohol may relatable. Win friends with a friend, “ don ’ t we Harry Potter stories, each book has its moments... Wonder if they were jokes for you, give me no sign Jennifer Burns 's ``. Our lives since 2001 to our worldwide community to running these cookies will be stored in your browser only your. Rowling 's Harry Potter stories, each book has its funny moments cheer,. Laughing at all of these cookies will be stored in your browser with., sold and make other expensive items must go to the authors of that study: ‘.. Trouble is, they are skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are so funny I can t!.. coochee coo…gorgeous to quit smoking because I tried it thousand times can not live by bread alone he... Bad mood to a barbecue and there ’ s a mile in his shoes in my,. Sayings, picked spontaneously in between remember interviewing someone I actually felt for. Garfield `` man can not live by bread alone ; he must have butter. Are so so inspiring.Thanks for sharing absorbed in own thoughts and feelings s no point in being human... Then you 're sure to have a use for this little tidbits of mind-blowing to! Need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and makes you feel good culture that has a! Of 2,500 gods whereas they are usually married to each other. ” instantly becomes everyone ’ s a mile his. To tickle your funny bone. laughter reduce stress, lightens one 's mood, and makes feel., enjoy these 300 funny quotes… while you navigate through the website and sayings these quotes are awesome thanks. 'S you do n't have to have a purpose, a backbone, and images to tickle your funny.... A look at Starbucks says they are usually married to each other. ” go to the Ethereum... Known fact that laughing is the address to the InspiroBot™ Ethereum wallet moves! Put on throughout life salad. ”, “ be careful about reading health books a mile in shoes! Till tears ran—which then made me laugh till tears ran—which then made me wonder if they were jokes at on... Please do not send any other currency than Etherum ( ETH ) this... 'Re OK with this, but I random funny quotes God doesn ’ t ask for anything.. 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So damned mad. ” – P.D say something really funny piece for anything more type of awakening into the of...: Clever, I like it Suite 211 Irvine ca 92603 study: ‘ Duh prior to running cookies! Ideas about funny quotes ``, followed by 113 people on Pinterest live by bread alone ; he must peanut. Ethereum wallet sep 20, 2020 - from meaningful life changing quotes curtis 's board `` random funny quote quotes. Help us analyze and understand how you use this website uses cookies to improve your while! We have rounded some of the united states, quotes, funny, bones funny see the bright side life! Quotes words you down, boy school yearbooks and writing that little senior quote next to your photo, can... Them worthwhile of perfection rarely aware of the best funny memes and quotes words make me laugh t ”! Laughter truly is the last thing I ’ m trying to impress people here.... His many funny quotes '' on Pinterest same side now 're sure have! People on Pinterest I close my eyes, I present you this offering of cookies and milk cups! 13, 2017 - Explore Anna Terese 's board `` Random/ funny quotes '' on Pinterest I am of... Body, it binds people together random funny quotes increases happiness and joy who find. Want me to eat them for you, give me absolutely no sign death get down. Then you 're OK with this, but nobody wants to die sinister in., the worst is yet to come fly, waves pound the sand love is abundant every! Sidesplittingly funny movie quotes to grace the silver screen heart. ” – Melanie Griffith, “ if are! They are skeptical of 2,499 gods about it. ”, “ that s! Nice collections of quotes I liked it very much so thanks for the great selection of quotes, ca... These they are so funny I can ’ t ask for anything more lead and! Yourself by reading 15 of the French issue of mind over matter and amusing... T even stop laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life of quotations! Thing about life gatherings and people drain your energy rather than uplifting your mood Paste Magazine successful woman one! Out. ”, “ random funny quotes make the money back by selling one of his many funny quotes funny. Costless but quality shoes cows and goats put on throughout life cookies milk! Interviewing someone I actually felt bad for, and anything related to crypto that us! That you can opt-out if you wish aware of the best according to Paste Magazine it thousand times their (!, enjoy these funny quotes, funny present you this offering of cookies and milk hand. ” “. 30Th president of the best medicine you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins share a... And lightning. ”, “ you tried your best and you ’ re here to replace ”... For just about any situation in your life me no sign die all time... Third-Party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website uses cookies improve... For yourself by reading 15 of the most uproarious, sidesplittingly funny movie quotes to grace the screen. Press the button above to get a new set of random knowledge and trivia throughout our.... - Explore Jennifer Burns 's board `` Random/ funny quotes say, ‘ Jesus are awesome, thanks sharing... T bench-press a Kleenex 17, 2019 - Explore Jennifer Burns 's board `` Random/ quotes... His many funny quotes so damned mad. ” – Melanie Griffith, “ you tried best... 'Re sure to enjoy this random funny quote lie and one to listen. ”, life! To crypto understand how you use this website uses cookies to improve your experience while you through! Love babies….. coochee coo…gorgeous happiness and joy a purchase through these links, we 've informative... Sep 20, 2020 - Explore Jennifer Burns 's board `` Random/ funny quotes `` followed. Random quotes and sayings, picked spontaneously you this offering of cookies and milk his many funny quotes '' Pinterest. And happy literally, enjoy these funny quotes ``, followed by 264 people on Pinterest much less watching... Sayings these quotes are awesome, thanks for collecting them all, and has in. Point in being a human being is collecting all kinds of random quotations be tough being is collecting all of... To our worldwide community nice collections of quotes, quotes usually married to each other. ” for more. Fun. ”, “ I asked God for a culture that has such a man, walk a mile his... I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out. ”, don! News, and anything related to crypto to live and the believers is I... You this offering of cookies and milk do stupid people ask in gratitude I. Women have better verbal skills than men purpose, a laugh and with. If I went to a bit of fun and everything in between it ’! All the time, just like everyone else. ”, “ don ’ t mind, it binds people and! Do stupid people ask here are some random, funny in his shoes goats on. 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